It Is Because of Me

Thank you so much for those who chose to stay. 

I've been keeping this for six years. Throughout the years, the wall that I have built around me worked so well, even my psychiatrist could not get through, and so did my other close friends. It is something that I have at the back of mind every single second, but I never walk through the details cause I know it is going to hurt me, like real a lot. Hence, I built this tall wall around me and refused to any 'entrance' from anyone. 'Tell me about it, do you want to talk about it?'

And my reply is always 'I want, but I can't, I'm sorry. '

Last night, for the first time, I let myself walking down the memory lane when I had a conversation with my friend. I have no idea where the courage is from, but it was there with me last night. Tears rolling down my cheeks as I recalled one event after another. The heartbreaks, the agonising pain, and the deadly fear came attacking me. It felt like I was me 6 years ago, that girl who did nothing but just dragging her feet to classes every single day. The pain washed me once again. 

I wonder why. Why him? Why not my psychiatrist or my other close friends? I guess, I just wanted to be heard by someone just for the sake of listening. I have found a way to let him in and I'm quite surprised by that. I trust him and I really do, but I believe I also have to be flexible with any possibilities. That this temporary shoulder for me to lean is still other people's good friend. And one fine day, I'll be left alone too. Because that is how it always end. 

I've tasted the betrayal several times, as much as I have experienced sleepless nights aftermath. I have awakened in the middle of nights, and found myself hugging Mr Tiger too tight as it would shove all the nightmares. I travelled alone quite for some time. Not because I hate people, it is because I'm afraid people might hate me. Or they decide to befriend me at first and hate me after that. I'll be left alone again. So I'd better be alone from the beginning. 

That is the whole thing about this. It isn't about the blame that I put on them, but it is the blame that they, and even I myself put on me. The stupid me, the useless and worthless me, the-everything-me. That people are better off without me. Those who stay with me, beside me are just too stubborn to not just leave me. 

Will you forgive them? 

Some might ask. 

And I would say, 

How would I when I couldn't even forgive myself.