Back to Square One

Two boxes of Escitalopram instead of one

30th September 2019, 9am. This is the first time, I walked to psychiatrist department feeling excited. It has been weeks I've been waiting to meet the doc because I couldn't hold it anymore. Upon reaching the clinic, the nurse called me to step on the weighing scale. Then, she wrapped my arm with the blood pressure cuff. I am not sure either the was murmuring to herself, or talking to me. But she was talking about my underweight in low voice and I couldn't hear the rest. 

I sat at one corner with Mom. My head was still spinning and I stared at the nurses, patients pacing back and forth. Not long after, an inmate with striking orange outfit came in, handcuffed to a policeman. After they sat, a patient came to them and talking. 

'I have been to prison before. It is not cool right? I was prisoned before. Back at the 90s. '

He kept telling the same thing, but the inmate seemed cool. So did the officers. And a nurse suddenly came in, and asked the patient to meet his doctor. I watched all this from my seat, feeling nothing but tired and exhausted. 

My eyes caught a middle aged woman was talking to herself and she then smiled at me. I smiled back before a nurse called my name. 

I met the same doc that I have met previously. Like meeting a best friend, I told her everything what I have been through this past 10 days. My voice was calm but she needs to know everything. Haha. I need her to know. Someone that understands me perfectly. 

'I see. Withdrawal from drugs actually can result to feeling disoriented, headache. But normally you won't feel it yet if you skip your meds for 4 days to 5 days, but perhaps your current condition is not excellent, it contributes to the effects too.'

'Hence, I would like to prescribe you meds for your anxiety that can help you to sleep. It is not sleeping pills, but it is more to a tranquiliser. You have to take half tablet for the first three days, and then take it only when you need it. This medication has the tendency for you to depend on it after a week or two. The dosage won't be enough for you and you'll always want more.'

'As for your daily medication, Escitalopram, I have to increase the dosage to 20mg from 10mg'

And at that moment, the inmate that I saw earlier came into the room for another psychiatrist. I looked at him, and suddenly my psychiatrist's voices trailed off in my head. I was thinking, about her last sentence. 20mg instead 10mg. How the hell I want to stop the medication! Urghhhhhhhhh

'I  sorry doc, I have to take 2 tablets of Escitalopram? Is it okay? And the tranquiliser, I tend to depend on it? ' I asked at last. 

'Yes, you have to because you are not sleeping. And you won't depend on it if you don't take it everyday. I'll prescribe Lorezepam and Escitalopram... '

And she continued talking while her hand scribbled down to a piece of paper. 

Lorezepam? 

Sounds familiar. 

And only then I can recall, it is a type of strong drug that I used to take during my early diagnosis. 

So much of wanting to stop taking meds.

I guess I have to go back to square one.