How To Make Me Sleep

Went to another psychiatrist appointment today and it was exactly two months ago I went to meet the doc. This time around, Humaira accompanied me as she had no school and there we were, sitting next to each other while waiting for the doc to call up my name. Humaira asked me 'What is mental illness?' and it took me several minutes to answer her question before my name was called.

I went inside with Humaira, because she always asks me 'Angah sakit apa?' and I said, 'Come, let's see the doc and listen what she's gonna say to me'. Hence, together we went inside the room. The doc greeted me with 'Long time no see you!' I smiled and sat in front of her. She read my medical history on the screen.

She asked me about my last month's experiences, going to emergency department, unable to sleep the whole week, having continuous panic attack. She drew a simple map on how to treat me, the first one is medicine compliance and the second one is non pharmacological treatment.

As for medicine compliance, I am given the highest dosage of Escitalopram already which is 20mg. And there's no way we can go more than that. As for Lorezepam, if half pills doesn't work for me, I can take one pill. But that would cause me drowsy and jittery. Escitalopram is the meds that I have to take daily meanwhile, I only can take Lorezepam in worst case scenario cause it can cause dependency.

Escitalopram is a type of drug that falls under Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRI) group. Other than Escitalopram, I've taken Sentraline, Fluvoxamine under the same group when I was in Hospital Selayang. So doc suggested if I can try drug from different group. Well yes, I did ask the doc about the difference of the groups and the doc answered, the purposes are same, to make me sleepy, to calm me bla2. But different group reacts with different parts of our brains. Got it? Haha

Hence, to try this new drug, I either have to add on the new meds from different group (which means I have to take three types of drugs, together with Escitalopram and Lorezepam), or switch Escitalopram with the new drug. But the thing is, if I wanna switch the drug, I still have to take both meds at the first place, and doc will slowly reduce the dosage of Escitalopram while me taking the new drug. The bottom line is, I cannot stop a drug abruptly. If not, I will experience Anti - Depressants Drugs Discontinuation Syndrome. The side effects are disoriented, nauseous, dry mouth, jittery, and etc etc and it would take longer time to bring me back to the optimum state.

That's the whole thing about meds compliance apparently.

As for the non pharmalogical treatment, she asked me how do I cope if I had panic attack. I said, I tried to distract myself, going out, talking to someone, watching movies reading. Sometimes they help, sometimes they are not. Lel. She said good approaches, but sometimes when it is too intense, I would not be able to focus on the reading for example, or going out, or watching movies. So she suggested for me to do mindfulness activities and breathing exercises.

Well, I tried breathing exercises and it helps me a bit. But I haven't done mindfulness activity. The doc said it could be as simple as focusing to my bodily sensations, from hair to toe. A number of her patients claimed that this approach works wonder for them.  Wow. Kay, I think I should try.

She continued, 'another thing that is important for you to avoid having nightmares is by making sure you are 'relax' for the whole day. You don't rush, you are calm, you don't have unfinished business. Sometimes people who suffer from anxiety disorder have no idea why they get anxious, but if we go through the details, actually, there's something unsettled that occured months ago and our subconscious mind still think about it. Hence, when you sleep, these conflicts appears in your dreams, nightmares.'

I looked at her, 'it means I have to finish the unfinished business?'.

'In a way, yes.' she replied.

Well, I guess I would have nightmares for the rest of my life. And of course I had that thought just for me.

I requested the doc for the same meds, same dosage and see whats gonna happen in one month. I hope I would get better, I wanna avoid dealing with new meds, it is kinda dreadful to me.

Pray for me everyone! That I'll get better.