The Black Dog is Eating Me Up, Alive - Second appointment (Kuala Terengganu)

A normal morning with everyone started to get busy with their routine at the hospital. Mehh they are lucky as I forgot when is the last time I got busy.
So here I am, second appointment at psychiatrist department in KT after have been referred from Hospital Selayang 2 months ago.

The things that I like the most here is the place is not too crowded and cramped. Unlike selayang that sometimes I gasped for air in the throng.

I have been very sick lately and I don't have much energy left to talk to people. So I rather had my eyes fixed on the television, trying to enjoy the cartoon movie. until my name is called, I marched to the room.

The first question that she asked me was 'apa khabar' and I smiled saying 'khabar baik'. And I could see my mom walked toward us and sat behind me. 🤦🏻‍♀ and the Q and A begun.

I had a nameless black dog. I don't like him. He's so loyal to me
Source : Google

It is normal for a psychiatrist to ask me 'how you have been feeling?' , 'what are you up to now' and 'rate your emotion' and etc etc.

But there's a moment today when I almost tearing when she said 'imagine a situation that you are in the well. And we are trying to help you by throwing down the rope, and now it's up to you either you want to take it or not'.

'We are trying to bridge the walls that you have and you have to help yourself. I know it is hard and it is not easy. It doesn't feel comfortable with your unwanted feelings and emotions, but this is something that is worth to fight for. Okay?'

Her eyes locked into mine searching for a 'yes' answer and I refuse to let the situation overpowered
me that I cast my eyes at the door. And I nodded.

Even if I don't think it makes sense to me that I am building walls around me (I talk to mom a lot and friends, but not everything which is I think normal lol). But for the first time all I feel is someone cares for me greatly and understands me.

He is eating me up alive and I have no power to stop it from
happening.
Source : Google

I know it is unfair to mom and dad who have been with me since I was born, but I don't know, the feeling just happened to be there at the moment.

I have been thinking a lot and at the same time I have been watching movies and playing games a lot to have some distance between my thoughts and the reality. It's an escapism yha know but whatever.

What's happening to me? What would I do in the long run?
What would I do in the near future?
And the endless questions are too overwhelming. I am aware that there's a lot of things I need to think carefully in order to take the next step of my life ahhhhh whatever I don't want to think about it.

Depression is not cool. It steps in when I'm more
than ready to be what I want to be.

O Allah, I seek for your Love and Guidance
To get me through this test and please never leave me astray from the right path.

Jijah. 1.39am