Getting to Discover of The Whys - First Therapy in Kuala Terengganu

The registration room was not crowded maybe because it is half past two.  Without further ado,  I marched to the counter and climb the stairs as the psychiatrist department is just on the first floor.

Just like usual, I have to answer two sheets of questionnaires on depression and anxiety,  and my blood pressure was taken as well.

'Are you nervous? ' the nurse in blue uniform stared at me after reading the Blood pressure monitar . And I was like 'huh?'. Silly me,  I didn't know that the blood pressure reading comes together with the pulse reading. Haha whatever.  I'm a Journalism student anyway.

When I was a child, I would throw temper tantrum if my parents
can't help me with my homework. Everything has to be perfect
and it has to be the way what I want. Honestly, it is tiring.
Source : Google

So I waited for few minutes until I was called to meet the therapist. A therapist that is specially invited to be there for my case.  Yeah,  I do feel special. She is motherly and maybe older than mom.  She's a plump yet cute lady.  Why I'm describing her here?  Scratch that part!

She told me she will treat me not only with Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)  but also with psychotherapy and other weird and too long to remember jargons.  No offence doctors.  And she went on and on,  asking me questions and then she started to analyse me.

Until she asked me why I didn't take a special leave during my final exam last two semesters when I was caught in accident?  And I said I hate to be left behind even of course I can sit the examination next time.

She looked at me and she started sketch diagrams on A4 paper. 'This is important ' she looked at me.  'this should be discussed for the next session but since you brought it up,  let we discuss about it now '

'I keep telling my patients, there's a small kid living in each of us that we have to follow his wants and his desire. And if it turns to the other way around,  he will throw tantrum. The wants and desire are the unwritten rules for you. They are rigid and they have to be obeyed ALWAYS.  The tantrum is signified as panic attack,  depression or any other discomfort that you are facing now'.

'How do we solve this issue is by negotiating with the kid to be tolerant and compromise.  To stop the variable ALWAYS.'

'I thought it is a princip' I smiled awkwardly at her.

'yes!  It is a principle but it is not applicable all the time.  It can be good at sometimes and can be bad at the other time.  Just like I said,  the variable ALWAYS has to be put at halt. ' she circled the word ALWAYS and said 'we will work on that. '

She then drew factors table that lead to depression and anxiety. At the second column which is psychology, she asked me if I used to be bullied and abused during my childhood.  How about my parents? Are they fierce type of parents? How's your friends?

And at first I reluctant to dwell on the past but this is a crucial moment. She is doing her job,  yes she's digging my past but that's what she supposed to do in order to help me.  And I talked to her during my high school but not too details as I could feel tears sprang my eyes.  Oh crap! And I know she noticed that so she stopped shoving me down to my throat with questions about the incident.

I was mentally bullied during my high school and that is the
last thing that I would talk in details of what had happened.
Source : Google

I told her ' I don't want to meet them '. She leaned on her chair and our eyes met. 'it is okay if you don't want to meet them as people often say I can forgive but not forget..' she smiled before she continued 'but you can't keep the revenge because it is detriment to you. It is something that we keep inside for a long time and it does not do any good by having it. And remember, you can wish not to meet them but that does not mean you will not meeting them. We can give a very long list what we want. But we may never know which one is and is not going to come true. Thus, you need skills what you are gonna do if things happen not in accordance to your wish. And we will work on that too.'

She mentioned about my reading pulse which is too high and not normal. She gave me plenty of homework, keeping a diary, discovering my unwritten rules and breathing exercises to practise daily.

The psychiatrist asked me about my childhood. I only remembered we were all well-behaved due to abah's illness. We were not allowed to watch too much tv, we had to go to bed by 10pm, we had to go to school even we were sick (unless when we got chicken pox), we were not allowed to make noises and yes, there were many rules that we had to follow once upon a time. Lel

She concluded the session by telling me there are many factors that can lead to the illness. The term is called i-forgot-sorry which means it is already there and accumulate all together and after sometimes it becomes persistent depression. The unwritten rules that I have is developed for quite some time since I was a kid. My past experiences in high school is another cause under social and psychology abuse.

And I noticed something, I came to realisation that it is not because of abah's high expectation or my teachers and friends. Even abah used to say he's hoping me to do this and that.

It is because my unwritten rules not abah's rules anymore.