Sister and A Depression Fighter - Second Theraphy in Kuala Terengganu

Today, I brought my diary along with several notes that are given by the therapist to me on the last session. I did the same routines, answering questionnaires on depression and anxiety, weighing my weight and measuring my blood pressure, I was called to a room.

She asked if I'm doing okay and asked me what kind of situation that makes me feel so low.  I know I would end up crying that I clasped my hands tight until my finger felt numb. Trying to pull myself together, I told her the incident that involved Una and her bullies.

I love my family more than they know and being a depression
fighter would not stop me from taking them for granted.
I'll protect them until the last of my breath from those
hooligans.
Source : Google

I was fine at the beginning but I began to had a very long stop while telling her once the story came to the end.  The part where I burst out in front of my dad and telling him what he should and shouldn't do. I tried to conceal you know, but I fail.

My eyes watered and my sight was getting blurred that she grabbed tissue and showed it to me. She began analysed the incident and told me the strong connection between impulsive behaviour with hot tempered people.

These people normally react to people or things around him unintelligent in the nick of time. Like how that Ustaz flung the spade in front of me. Or maybe I should call him Mr-Do-As-I-Like.

She went through the pages, skimming and scanning while praising me that I'm good at writing and capable of writing a novel. I smiled, at least this this can be a proof that makes me as journalism student.  Lol.

She read my journal and stop at one point where I wrote down the nightmare that I had few days ago.  I dreamt I was locked and kidnapped in a double Storey house. Dr Rohaya mentioned to me normally those who had this kind of dream are always in fear as if someone threatens him.

"Are you in fear?"
"Do you know why"
I kept searching for answers. That i finally replied
"the only thing that I makes me in fear is meeting my ex schoolmates."
She continued "Do they happen to be in your dream?"
"Sometimes but the character can change" I watched her writing on a piece of paper.

"It means you have them at the back of your mind, in your subconscious mind. When we are not sleeping, we can control what we want to think.  That our mind suppressed the incident to go away.  But it conjures when we asleep.  Why?  Because it's there, at the back of your mind".

She dug my past, did I feel loved by my parents, did I feel ignored, what incident that used to happen to me. She went on reading my journal and stopped at the sentence 'death keeps visiting me as if I'm gonna be the next person'

I can relate this.
Source : Google

"Share with me what do you feel when you wrote this? "

I stared into space before replying her "sad, I feel so low"
"You know people who suffer from depression normally have suicidal thoughts, have you ever think about it?"
I was hesitated to share what I have in my mind with her at first, but it seems she can read me when she said,

"it is okay just share with me".

I stared at the wall, "glimpse of it"

"what do you think about it, IF you might be the next person like what you wrote"

"I was thinking maybe the other side is not that bad, at least I can be freed from having negative thoughts"

"what do you feel when you have all these negative thinking? "

"It is tiring as I need to be concerned and alert to lot of things in one time"

I felt time is really quick that one hour and half is just passed. She gave me next appointment and I walked through the door,  with embarrassment (I know I don't have to) and thought 'why do I have to cry in front of her?!'