Relapse

It had been more than 12 months since I had panic attack. I thought I am freed from that until this week whenI moved in, in a college in UKM. It is a single room, which means I'm living alone. Haha. When Dad and Una waved me goodbye, I started to feel empty, but I chose to ignore the feelings. Luckily, I had a friend, one and only, Adni who stays at the same college. So, we often spend some time together especially when we go out for dinner and lunch. 

On the first night, I get it , it is normal for me to have sleepless night. I was wide awake. I didn't sleep a wink. I worked on Dr Rose, Islamic Banking paper, and at the same time thinking I haven't touched my thesis quite for awhile. I managed to edit and making corrections here and there. 

On the second day, my head started to feel heavy. I promised Adni that I'm gonna sleep as soon as we return to our room from cafe. So when, I returned to the college, I got ready to sleep, and I was off to bed at 11pm approximately. I moved position for gazillion of times, my eyes shut but not my mind. And then after 2 or 3 hours, I gave up. I stared at the ceiling and moving fan. 

On the third day, I spent my time listening to music, watching comedy. I'm trying to instill some positive vibes in my brain. Lol. And I took shower at 12am. This time around, I decided to accept that I'm not gonna sleep again tonight. So, after taking my bath, I gave up on my sleeping time, instead I worked on the paper. I had a conversation with a friend of mine from high school, perhaps long lost friend lol. The conversation somehow helps me to step out from my haywire brain for awhile. Because, to be honest, before the conversation, I cried. Knowing that I couldn't sleep again tonight and how restless I am. So, in a way, he saved me from my cluttered mind. I only slept at 7am to 9am. 

On the fourth day, at 1pm or so, my hands were trembling, my heart beating so fast. And I couldn't even hold a pen. I was alone in the room. I sat still on my bed for a while, doing breathing exercise. I tried to ground myself. But it seemed that I failed. My head was like about to explode and I could feel nervousness and panic crept into my body. There you go, I went to the ED in Kajang Hospital. The doctor could not do much for me, except prescribed me with paracetamol for my headache. She cannot prescribe me sleeping tablets. Which means I have to wait till Sunday, call my doc in Terengganu for the pills and my mom would have to post it here. 

It takes days I know and I don't know how I'm gonna survive. 

While I'm at ED, my sweet sweet friend, Madi came from Kajang and accompanied me. So last night, the fifth day. She is with me even until now when I'm writing this. She rub my head because I still couldn't sleep. I slept at 5.30am and I woke at 12pm. Alhamdulillah dengan limpah kurniaNya, I can sleep. By 'I can Sleep' ,it means I sleep but I'm still awake. That implies nightmares. Yeah I had nightmare of worst things. 

This is a long fight, it is not gonna end in one or two years. But as much as I love myself, at one point I also hate myself for not being able to withstand these changes of life. ( I relapse because I just move into a new places, and it takes time for my mind to familiarize with the environment). So when I couldn't sleep, I refuse to return home, or return to my aunt's. Because I believe this thing is gonna be a regular occurrence in my life and my mind has to learn to accept it. In a way, I force myself to accept, it sounds harsh but I refuse to let my illness to stop me from working on my thesis. Sounds weird isn't it?

Pray for me ladies and gents.

Pray for my recovery.

Keep me in your prayers. 

I really need it.