Finding Me
1st July 2019
So today i have my first appointment after six months. Nothing's new except the doctor that I met. She's pretty and a fair lady. She talked in English with me and I like that, because I have less problems in explaining my emotional problems in English.
I didn't feel like meeting the doc yesterday as I am too lazy to think what I should answer her questions. And worse, this time around, I have no idea how to rate my anxiety or low mood. And I am not interested to think about that.
Im just tired and lazy.
Like usual, she asked how's my condition. And what causes my anxiety to trigger. I think I am okay but at the same time I don't think I am okay cause it was just another two days I hit the ceiling and went ballistic.
And I said 'Im okay'. It seemed I failed to convince her that she still looked at me, wanting more elaboration. Haha.
Hence I replied, "Perhaps you can ask my mother. She is outside, because I can't see myself. So I do not know how to answer your question. hmm."
And her eyes still on me.
After a while, only then I talked, "I get anxious when things are happen not in my favour. When people left me hanging. When I have no idea about things that I should. I always need explanation of things that are not happen in my way. Why it is like that? Why it can't be like this? And if people can provide me with great explanation. I will be okay and I have no problem to proceed with whatever that I didn't disagree earlier"
Complicated much? No, I am not. I prefer everything is just under my radar.
Oh, and the doc replied, "I see. But it is something that you have to go through for the rest of your life. Sooner or later, you will bumped into these people and disagreements will occur. Having this kind of perfectionist personality, you must know how to tackle your anxiety by practicing all the methods that you have learnt during your theraphy. Breathing exercises etc etc."
"Okay, I do and it works on me. I don't have too many negative emotions in me it is just I am restless, but I would like to ask you is it possible for me to reduce my dosage?"
Because, I am aiming to stop my medication. And be good and stay good without meds.
"Sure, you can if you feel okay, but I would like you to know that it is not advisable to reduce the dosage if you are still having nightmares and dreams", she waited for my response and stop writing for a moment.
" Well, I don't sleep when I sleep. I often have nightmares, it is too intense, what should I do to make it disappear' I asked.
"Having bad dreams, like the anxious type, actually it reflects your anxiety. So I would advise you to not reduce your meds, I am afraid you might relapse, and with the stress that you have to handle as a postgraduate student. But you always can come and meet me anytime you want if you feel better or worse even your appointment is on the next six months."
"Okay"
I was about to ask how to stop someone from cutting herself, but I'm afraid she would take it in a wrong way so I didn't. Haha
So, from this appointment, I learnt something about myself, about my personality, my degree of tolerance towards certain things like time. And how 'plan' and 'explanation' actually play important roles in my life. And i only realise about that when I said it out loud to the doctor. (when she asked, which I have troubles to put into words at first).
Some people say I'm complicated but I would say it is you who lousy. Hahaha
For people who are able to give me this two, (explanation and plans) I would give you all of my love, I promise! Haha
Hence, that is a short story of the day, I went home with a box of Escitalopram. My loyal friend.
So today i have my first appointment after six months. Nothing's new except the doctor that I met. She's pretty and a fair lady. She talked in English with me and I like that, because I have less problems in explaining my emotional problems in English.
I didn't feel like meeting the doc yesterday as I am too lazy to think what I should answer her questions. And worse, this time around, I have no idea how to rate my anxiety or low mood. And I am not interested to think about that.
Im just tired and lazy.
Like usual, she asked how's my condition. And what causes my anxiety to trigger. I think I am okay but at the same time I don't think I am okay cause it was just another two days I hit the ceiling and went ballistic.
And I said 'Im okay'. It seemed I failed to convince her that she still looked at me, wanting more elaboration. Haha.
Hence I replied, "Perhaps you can ask my mother. She is outside, because I can't see myself. So I do not know how to answer your question. hmm."
And her eyes still on me.
After a while, only then I talked, "I get anxious when things are happen not in my favour. When people left me hanging. When I have no idea about things that I should. I always need explanation of things that are not happen in my way. Why it is like that? Why it can't be like this? And if people can provide me with great explanation. I will be okay and I have no problem to proceed with whatever that I didn't disagree earlier"
Complicated much? No, I am not. I prefer everything is just under my radar.
Oh, and the doc replied, "I see. But it is something that you have to go through for the rest of your life. Sooner or later, you will bumped into these people and disagreements will occur. Having this kind of perfectionist personality, you must know how to tackle your anxiety by practicing all the methods that you have learnt during your theraphy. Breathing exercises etc etc."
"Okay, I do and it works on me. I don't have too many negative emotions in me it is just I am restless, but I would like to ask you is it possible for me to reduce my dosage?"
Because, I am aiming to stop my medication. And be good and stay good without meds.
"Sure, you can if you feel okay, but I would like you to know that it is not advisable to reduce the dosage if you are still having nightmares and dreams", she waited for my response and stop writing for a moment.
" Well, I don't sleep when I sleep. I often have nightmares, it is too intense, what should I do to make it disappear' I asked.
"Having bad dreams, like the anxious type, actually it reflects your anxiety. So I would advise you to not reduce your meds, I am afraid you might relapse, and with the stress that you have to handle as a postgraduate student. But you always can come and meet me anytime you want if you feel better or worse even your appointment is on the next six months."
"Okay"
I was about to ask how to stop someone from cutting herself, but I'm afraid she would take it in a wrong way so I didn't. Haha
So, from this appointment, I learnt something about myself, about my personality, my degree of tolerance towards certain things like time. And how 'plan' and 'explanation' actually play important roles in my life. And i only realise about that when I said it out loud to the doctor. (when she asked, which I have troubles to put into words at first).
Some people say I'm complicated but I would say it is you who lousy. Hahaha
For people who are able to give me this two, (explanation and plans) I would give you all of my love, I promise! Haha
Hence, that is a short story of the day, I went home with a box of Escitalopram. My loyal friend.
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