Endless battles

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Last time, when I met the doctor, this is what she said to me,

“It is going to be hard for you because we don’t want to increase your dosage abruptly. So the effects might not be so much for you. You have to bear with sleepless nights and panic attack for few weeks until we reach the perfect dosage for you”

She’s right. For the past few weeks, I have been fighting with my mind every single night. I could sleep only when I take sleeping pills. I feel I’m totally normal and happy when I can sleep. But when I stop taking sleeping pills, the happy ending stops as well. I would be staring at the ceiling and moving fan with my mind wandering around, far from the dark room.

I avoided checking the clock cause it intensifies my anxiety,
knowing I still could not sleep when I have to work
tomorrow morning.
Source : Google

However, yesterday my dad called me at the office asking am I doing good and ask several questions on the issue. He then advised me to not always take sleeping pills as it is a powerful drug that it could immune my body system soon. Thus, last night I tried to sleep without swallowing the drug and guess what happen.

I was as wide awake as the moon outside. I changed my position to the left and right for one hour. I texted random people in my contact list, saying how much I wanted to sleep. I just wanted to share the burden with someone even I know I won’t be able to make them understand what I was suffering from. I could feel nervousness crept into my body. My eyes started to fill with tears. The air-conditioner  should be enough to calm me but unfortunately I felt the opposite. My cousin, Solehah (She is ten) had been sleeping like hours ago beside me.

I got up from the bed and went downstairs. I almost gave up, thinking where I have put my meds when I saw my uncle cleaned the house. He was not home just now. My cousin (the youngest one) was still watching tv. My aunt went to aerobic class and the other cousins were already asleep. My uncle looked me and said “couldn’t sleep Angah?” while wiping the stove.

I smiled.

“Later when Cikna (my aunt) comes home, maybe we could drive around who knows it can help to calm yourself, would you like to have milk, milo or anything else, watching movies?”

I smiled again. Because I don’t know if any of his idea could help me and if it was not helping, I would feel bad for troubling them. A lot.

At some point, I admit I really hate my
brain, my mind and even myself.
Source : Google

I looked at my reflection on the mirror. My eyes were swollened and reddened. I went upstairs to watch movie but my little cousin insisted  to watch cartoons.

I accompanied her for awhile before going back to my bed.

Solehah spotted my absence, “Where did you go Angah?” she asked half asleep with eyes closed.

“Downstairs, I couldn’t sleep”

“Okay” and she pulled over her blanket, get ready to indulge in her enchanted dreams,

Before I hugged her shoulder and almost scream,

“Don’t leave me alone here, I want to sleep too, bring me there”

And she held my hand.

A few minutes later I could feel her grip was getting loose and I was still there again, alone.

Fighting with the invisible enemy alone and sleep an hour later.

The unheard voices echoed in my head.

I woke up in the middle of the night three times but I persuaded myself not to open my eyes.

 Im afraid such action could be awaken my enemy.

which is my mind.