8th September 2020 (Dr Rohayah)

So today is the second session with Dr Rohayah. This time around, it is my dad who accompanies me to the hospital. There's some sort of friction between my parents currently and indirectly I have become the middle person between them. The procedure goes like always, blood pressure, weight and questionnaires. 

My name is called out and Dad walks in to the room with me.

Dr Rohaya greeted Dad and asked how he's been doing. The conversation goes on about Dad's treatment with theraphist previously who happens to be Dr Rohaya's husband, Dr Khairi. Dad asked about the side effect of his medication and they talked about the neighbour briefly, about the sue, dad's wrist, and my condition. 

She asked my dad how many times I've checked the cctv at home. Haha. And she said to Dad, perhaps we need to give her a rest from checking the cctv. My dad told her, gradually, I've been doing fine, and he believes that I've not been checking cctv as frequent as before. Dr Rohaya asked him, how do you see Azizah? Is she fine? 

Dad answered, 'I believe she's doing great at home. She has someone to talk to. But her condition deteriorates when she's staying away from the house. Like when she's in uitm, ukm. When she's stressed out, she often locks up herself in the room. But these days, I can see she's laughing and playing with her siblings. And I believe she's doing great.'

'What do you think Azizah? Is it true?' Dr Rohaya looked at me. I startled a bit. I was thinking hard how to react in a short of time span. At last, I just shrugged. Just like when she's talking to Mom, she said it again to Dad 'Azizah is sick, having panic attacks regularly is not a good sign. Because if things get out of hand,she might not be able to carry out her daily activities like usual.' 

I don't know what's Dad's reaction, because like always, I stare at the wall. But this time around, I am lucky because Dr Rohaya didn't ask me to take off my mask. I kinda comfortable that way, I can hide my emotions beneath. And Dr Rohaya asked permission from Dad to talk to me alone, so that waited for me outside. Of course while scrolling his cellphone 🌝

Dr Rohaya scrolled through the monitor once Dad walked out. And then she moved her moving chair, towards me, close to me. Her eyes were on me, and asked me gently 'How are you?'

'I'm good'

'How about panic attack?'

'None since our last meeting'

'Alhamdulillah! She grinned. This is good. See, how your determination can cast away the attacks!'

I smiled.

'How about your sleep?'

'I can't really sleep, I only take Alprazolam once.'

'Why?'

'I don't want to be forgetful, disoriented in a long term', I confessed. I always come clean to her, unlike to my mom and dad, I hide my feelings a lot. Because I know they already have so much on their plates. I shouldn't add on. 

'Okay, listen. Like other medications, panadol for example, they have half life in our body after we take them. Drugs too, those who consume drugs will be tested positive only the test is conducted in three days, if not we can't detect there's drug in his body system. As for Alprazolam, this med help you only on that particular time. It won't be in your body system for a long period of time. How many hours you take to sleep after taking Alprazolam?'

'Perhaps 2 hours'

'I see. I want you to rest. That is why I prescribed you Alprazolam. If you want a stronger meds, I can prescribe for you… '

'It is okay dr, Im all good'

'Okay. The side effect of Alprazolam that concern me is addiction. Addiction towards the drug. Some people are so used to it, that one tablet is not enough until they need two tablets. And when it happens then we have to start our table down.' 

I nodded my head. 

'What is your dominant mood now?', she asked me.

'I would say, low mood'

'Why is that? What is the cause?'

'Currently, my parents have conflicts. And I have become the mediator somehow. They have different opinion towards issues. Like Dad thinks Mom should not return home late at night. Meanwhile, Mom is very confident that she's doing okay despites of the situation. They have a cold war right now. Dad talked to me, and Mom talked to me too. I am stucked in between'

My voice was so low. Cause somehow, I don't want to admit there's flaws in my parents' relationship. It is an on-going conflict. 

'So this has been going on quite for some time is it?' she put down her pen. 

'Yes, but this new incident (devilish neighbour) actually spices things up.' 

'I see. I know, I can see that in your Mom. Your Mom has her own stand. And she's very firm with her stand. It is hard for us to argue with her. She told me last week right, 'I'm good' 'Im fine'. Her threat threshold is so low while yours is so high.'

'As for your Dad, he's cool. He talked in a low voice. He is simple minded yet rational. In this case, I see your condition needs more attention. Your dad is stable now, I can see that. And at this point, you can analyze your parents. How do they communicate. But Azizah, right now what's far more important is your condition. Nonetheless, if you want to help them, maybe you should ask your parents to dine together, or I don't know, make up something, that can make them talk to each other…'

I interrupted before she kept going with her suggestion, 'I don't think I'm able to help this time around. I can't think of anything.'

'Why is so? I know you love helping your parents?' she asked me again. 

'Not this time, Im incapable right now, I'm too tired almost with everything.' I told her. 

'How's your relationship with your friends?, other people other than your family members?'

'I am too tired to socialize with people and friends, responding to the conversations. Especially strangers. I select people who I want to hang out with'

'I see. Are you afraid of going outside?'

'No, but I prefer to be at home.'

'Exercise?'

'Not really?' I smiled.

'At this time, it is important you to keep doing what you love, do you still have interest towards your hobby'

'Kinda'

'Like?'

'Watching movies'. 

'Can you focus? Do you understand the story line?'

'I do'

'It is good, people with extreme anxiety would not be able to keep up with the movie. Because from one scene to another, there's like some sort of 'jumping' that requires us to think, to predict.  But Im glad knowing you still are able to do so',  she explained. 

I just nodded my head. 

'Look, Azizah, about the parents conflict. I wanna show you something ' she said while reaching out three handouts. 

'This is about types of communication in our everyday lives, Passive, Assertive and Agressive'

I saw three columns and each explains each type of communication. 

'I think your Dad is more to passive, maybe your Mom is assertive or aggressive. Or a mixture of both. I want you to have these and look into it.'

'Azizah, if you look at two people are arguing somewhere, perhaps with shouting and yelling. Some of us are frightened to see the incident isn't it? But, actually, that's how they communicate. In your case, that's how your parents communicate, like having a cold war. If not, if they were having confrontation, things might get worse due to the ego, needs, etc. So I wanna ask you, do you can change them?, do you can change your parents?'

'No' I felt like a gush of warm air across my face, I felt like crying at the instance, but I held up. I need to'

I saw a box of tissue paper near me, I kinda understand why it is there.

'Hence, what do we do if we can't change people around us? Who needs to change?'

'Us'

'Yes, correct.' We have to set our mind, shape us to be accepting towards how they communicate. Peace comes after acceptance. That is how they talk to each other, since before, since long ago. And that don't affect them much. But you, you are stressing out because of this.  You understand me?'