After two years, here I am again in psychiatry complex
building. Same psychiatry but different building. The new building is
build solely for psychiatry department. From appointment till ward. The
architectural design is very fresh and spacious that I do not mind, waiting for
some time. It is not crowded and they have AC every nook and cranny! It has
been two years since I met Dr Rohaya, the specialist for my CBT, Cognitive
Behavioral Theraphy treatment.
I answered DASS questiones first, checking my blood
pressure n weight then. I was then lead to a room by a nurse. I saw Dr Rohaya
right away but she didn't recognize me at first with mask on my face plus with
the time gap since the last time we met. When my name was called, mom wanted to
join in too, and Dr Rohaya gave her a warm welcome.
Her first question was, can you take off the mask? Haha.
And she was like, 'oh, I remember you, you are taking Master isnt it?' She said
that at once and start scrolling to the monitor in front of her. She asked me
when was the last time I met her. And she read through my record. I was in dire
condition when I had my internship at Bank Negara, KL.
She looked at me and asking, 'You are still studying?'
'Oh yes, I am still studying, in the middle of
collecting data' , I smiled.
She cried, 'Yes! Yes! Yes! Alhamdulillahh
you are still studying. It means you are okay now! But then, tell me why you
wanna meet me? '
And that's where the real discussion begins,
I told her about the previous incident, about the
tragedy, and how it affects me. Mom added to the story sometimes. Haha. She
listened to me attentively and looked at me. When I told her, I just got to
know the background of the criminal, she was speechless, she went on like,
'astaghfirullah, Allahuakbar, for few minutes.'
'Dad now is worried over the case... '
I couldn't finish my statement when she interrupted,
'today, we talk about you, not your father. Your father should meet his
psychiatrist. I think you think too much about other people! Haha. To take care
of others, you need to be healthy first okay?'
I smiled faintly.
'Okay, but now tell me the real reason why you want to
see me', she continued.
'I am afraid. I need to be testified at court as a
witness. I am afraid that I am gonna have a panic attack during the trial.
Plus, the defendent lawyer would provoke me, test me, asking questions
repeatedly.' That is my biggest concern actually. I cannot not to testify.
'I see. Lawyers will do that, they will challenge us,
even to expert like me. They would question our credibility, our experiences,
how long we have been in this field, but it is okay. You need to practice. But
it is okay, if you don't feel good during the trial, you always can postpone
it. Trust me, it is okay. If you don't want to testify, you don't have to, it
is okay'
I blinked my eyes, cause I slightly disagree with her. I
need to testify! I need to overcome this issue.
She asked what happen to the moving out idea. I smiled.
I said 'Mom doesn't want to' and she looked at Mom. Haha. And theres like a
series of disagreement between Mom and the doc for 15 minutes and I just sat
and watched them talking. The doctor was impressed how strong Mom can be at this
difficult time. Mom told the doc that how traumatic abah was after the
incident. He refused to go back to the house and asked us to pack our stuff
instead and move out from the house right at that moment. But Mom insisted to
stay.
'I am strongly suggest that you need to move out from
the house. It is a good decision.' and my mom interrupted, 'running away from
the house is not the solution, she still can find us, being here, at least we
can monitor her, what she plans to do and wants to do, in fact, my husband has
installed cctv few days after the incident'
The doctor disagreed, 'the cctv wont help much, this
child (looking at me) and her father are sick. They need supports. They need to
get off from the house, if not moving out, at least rent a house somewhere else
where you can heal yourself for the time being. The trial at court won't take a
short time!'
And mom continued, 'I believe that we have to rely on
Allah, to pray hard and trust Him that He is going to take care of us,
InshaaAllah'
'Yes, we have Allah, but the neighbour doesn't have the
same belief. She is a criminal and she is unpredictable, she can do whatever
she wants if she wants to. You have to remember, Azizah is sick, she
needs help. Being in the house is not helping, she needs to break the cycle. Go
out. Go out from the house. I believe you often check your cctv right? Cause
you cannot let your guard down. People who suffer from panic attack and
anxiety normally have this hallucinating that world gonna ends, that everything
is going to be upside down where in reality, it is not. But in your case, this
fear is real. It is there. This is not something you made in your head. Your
house should be a safe place, but when things like this happen, you need to
reset your mind, go out for vacation with friends.
Go for a day trip, spend your time doing daily
activities outside.' She looked at me, hoping that I would consider her idea.
'Do you have friends? Ask your friends for a short getaway, go for a holiday at
somewhere nice. ' she continued.
'I do, but mostly they are working'
Mom then spoke 'I did suggest them to stay away from the
house, Im okay staying alone at home. '
'Separation is not a good idea. It is not helping in
terms of family dynamic. She must be worried of her mother, of her sisters and
brother. However, if things can't be avoided, then you have to Azizah. This is
about you. You need to break the cycle. Perhaps, staying with your grandma
maybe for two or three days.'
I listened to her, but at the same time I was thinking
about her idea. About am I gonna be okay by staying away for a while? I was
thinking about trips and vacations, friends and destinations. When the doctor
broke the silence.
'Azizah is sick, she needs help. In her case, she needs
her environment to aid her. Her panic attack and anxiety won't stop until she
is at a safe place. At least for some time. The idea of moving out from the
house is good. Because Azizah and her father need to be healed.' I know she was
talking to Mom. I just sat still, playing with my mask adapter, and listened to
the conversation or disagreement between them until her eyes were on me again.
'You are still taking your meds?'
'I do' I chuckled a bit.
'Why you laugh?' The doc scribbled something on her
notebook.
'Because sometimes she skip her meds, she only remember
to take it when she got headache', Mom interrupted. Lol
'I see, it is okay, as long as you still take it', she
replied.
'How about breathing exercise?' her eyes were on me
again. 'Do you still do it?'
'I do, sometimes. But it doesn't really work in every
occasion', I cast my eyes on the wall again.
'Breathing exercise is as important as having your meals
everyday, you need to do it regularly, just like you have your meals, doing it
only when you had panic attack, it won't work out. You have to teach your mind
to keep grounded regularly. Of course, sometimes it won't work out when you are
having panic attack, but don't let the panic win, you have to win. You have to
beat the panic'
I nodded.
' I see flashes dr,'
'What kind of flashes? There's another illness that we
call PTSD, but since this is still new, I don't think it is PTSD'
'Not the flashback of the event, flashes of self harming,
bloody wrist' I confessed.
'Why, why you wanna do it?'
'I don't want to and I am not doing it' I told her.
'I know, but why you see those things?'
'Because I know I can't run from the problem, there's no
end for this'. I answered.
She nodded. 'I see'
She then asked again, 'How's your sleep cycle?'
'I can sleep but I often have nightmares, so even if I
am sleeping, I still feel restless'
'Nightmares about?'
'About the neighbour'
'I see, I'll prescribe you sleeping pills then, Xanax.
You can take it only when it is needed yha. And keep it for your stock if you
still can handle it okay. This is a documented meds, we have to answer lots of
questions to prescribe this to patients. Address, etc etc. And as for your
daily meds, I'll presribe it too okay. ' she tapped the keyboard, ordering meds
for me.
She then gave me another appointment next week, she said
this time, she wants to focus on me. This session is like more to introductory session
and next session should be about me.
'I really want you to be warded here. I want you to
rest. We have this new ward for patients who want to take a break from their
surrounding. But, the thing is, there's technical difficulties that occur
today, and it should be fix in few days. Hence, I strongly suggest you to go
for a vacation Azizah.'
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