'Mom, I'm Sick'

Love you Mummy!

Two years ago, I was at my lowest when I had my practical training at Central Bank, KL. I can recall I often had panic attack at midnights. Not to mention, the nightmares to the extent, there was one time I didn't want to sleep because I was too scared. I was like a zombie but I still could tolerate all these things until I couldn't sleep for two weeks straight.

I went to work with KTM, and there were times I almost collapsed among the people jostling to board the train. I was thinking if I should share this with my parents and I did. My dad suffers from OCD and depression, so I believe he would understand me and at the same time he could suggest me what I should do now. As for Mom, she is truly, not a big fan of meds, but I prayed hard so they would at least, listen to me first, what I had been through . Everything was so unbearable and even I, myself was at my wits end what to do.

So I called them and explained to them what had happened. Unfortunately, things were not happen in my favour. Haha. Dad said 'things gonna be okay and he will bring me to his psychiatrist once I completed my internship' whereas my mom was so worried. And she kept saying she doesn't want me to take meds, she doesn't want me to be like my dad. Mom is so paranoid about taking meds. She saw what happened to Dad back then because of the meds. I can't blame her but I was so fragile at that time.

Right, my favourite aunt,

I closed my eyes while waiting for the train to reach my destination. I didn't notice my eyes watered but that was the first time I felt so alone. I didn't think those are the supports that I need at the moment. I need someone to tell me how to stop this, at this moment. All I want is just a five minutes sleep at least. I have to say I was so, so disappointed with my parents. 

Hence, the next day, my cousin and I (I stayed at my aunt and uncle's in Gombak) went to the clinic. So I told the doctor , I really wanted to sleep. Since she is not a psychiatrist, she only can prescribe me flu meds that can make me sleepy but it didn't work. 😑

She also wrote a letter to refer my case to psychiatry department to Hospital Selayang. She highlighted my case that this is urgent and it needed to be addressed as soon as possible. 

I've shared about how my first appointment was like in another entry, and to make it short, I was diagnosed with persistent depression, anxiety disorder and panic disorder. Oh, forgot to mention I went there with my aunt. 

So when I got home, I told my uncle and my aunt I didn't want my parents to know. I know it was not cool but somehow, deep down I was a bit hurt with my parents and having this positive result, makes me more sensitive. Haha. Does it make sense? 

Actually, I need some time to convince myself first before I convince others. And I'm lucky my aunt and uncle are very understanding, they respect my decision and they were my greatest support system at that time. My aunt often accompanied me to the hospital (I had to take one day off every week to attend the theraphy as well), and they didnt bombard me with so much question about my illness. They treated me like normal even I was abnormal at that time. Haha. I staggered while walking due to the side effects of the meds. 

I remember my uncle kept asking me what kind of food that I want to eat, and he's willing to buy it even it was raining heavily outside. When I couldn't sleep at 3am, and all my cousins did, he who was mopping the floor offered to make milo for me. I'm so lucky to have them in my life. I would never forget their kindness to me when I needed it the most. 😢

Approximately 2 months later, only then I decided to inform my parents that I'm currently undergo various treatment at Hospital Selayang. I don't remember how they accept it but things got better afterwards. 

Upon completing my internship at BNM, I was transferred to Hospital Kuala Terengganu from Hospital Selayang. I continued my Cognitive Behavioural Theraphy and for the first phase, I was exposed with the educational stuff of psychology. 

I often shared with Mom about what I got from the therapy (even not all, haha)  and slowly I can see Mom starts to be more positive on my condition. I educate myself about mental health on readings, from therapy session and shared with Mom afterwards. 

Now, Mom is my tower of strength, who keeps giving me endless support apart from always being there with me during theraphy. When we bumped into relatives and friends sometimes at the hospital, and they would ask Mom, what kind of sickness that I have or so forth, she just answered 'she just wants to have a talk with her doctor' and smile.

When we have conversation with relatives, and they act weird, after knowing I often have appointments at the hospital. Mom enlightens them what is OCD, what is depression, the meds and etc. She has becoming more positive and accepting my current condition, and I am the most grateful person on earth. 

I learnt that our parents are different and they react differently towards the diagnosis. Those who couldn't accept is prolly because the stigma of having this taboo illness is still strong in our society. I can't guarantee that things gonna be okay, but please give sometimes for yourself to digest, to calm down, to collect yourself first. The strongest support always comes from us, ourselves. 

Love,
Jijah