Blood and Tears Part2
It was the last week of our fifth semester when I almost ran to my lecturer's office with drenched clothes . I occasionally wipe my face and clean my glasses with my pink sweater. The rain was pouring down outside but that did not stop me riding my scooter to the faculty.
I caught my breath once I reached his office. It was a relief for knowing I managed to arrive there on time.
Seeing me, he welcomed me happily inside and said "I thought you are not coming". The rain beat like bullet on the roof outside.
"Of course I would come!" I smiled.
"It is okay, dry yourself first, you are drenched!" and he offered me to sit on a chair right in front of him.
I took some time to figure things out, of the reasons why I am here, what makes me to be here. I looked back and have a thought of the timeline of every incidents that occurred in my life. I tried to be selective in choosing what to disclose but everything seems connected and interdependent. I braced myself to be stronger, unlike last night where I shed my tears when I was sleeping, praying or even drinking.
Yes, I did not eat. I did not have appetite to eat and there was no energy left in me to force myself to eat.
I look at him and said "I give up sir" and the next thing came from my mouth naturally, unplanned.
"I give up sir, this assignment takes every ounce of my efforts, strength and time this semester. I could not sleep because I overthink about it.
I am worried too much and I could not stop it. I have panic attack and it affects me a lot.
It affects my routine and I could say whenever something triggers me on that particular assignment, I would cry because I felt like there's nothing that I can do to save me from this issue."
I almost cry but I did not. I gripped my sweater to gather myself and the words, the frustration, depression and deprivation had been bottled up quite for some time, waiting to burst out.
"3.92 last semester does not talk about my intelligence merely. It talks about my sacrifices, my hardships, of how I was at the lowest."
His eyes fixed into mine in disbelief .
Out of nowhere, I recalled yesterday's incident, I threw away my draft on the ground in which I burnt the midnight oil to do it. I knelt down and I burst into tears, just beside my scooter. Thank God there were not many students there.
I was so frustrated.
My heart broke into pieces and I felt tremendously helpless and worthless. I could not describe how disappointed I was to anyone.
He looked me and said "I have no idea this is what you have been through.." he was thinking for a while before continued "I don't share this experience to my other students but I would like to share with you to uplift your spirit and boost your confidence.
I spend the next 20 minutes listening to him, sometimes I nodded. But most of the time it left me in awe of his perseverance and resilience, in combatting those unwanted, negative thoughts with unhelpful environment and his circle of social life.
He then continued, "In everything you do or after giving all your best, leave it to Allah. He is indeed the most Merciful, the most Gracious. If God wills, you will feel calmer, trust me. Remind yourself, over and over, it is not him who decides your future, either you fail or pass ur fyp, but it's Him.
"Leave it to Him, you will feel better"
I spent three hours talking to him that I rushed to lab for my next class. My heart felt lighter, The invisible rock rested on my shoulder before seemed to be disappeared. I sauntered to the class. It has been a long time since I felt this way.
Once I reached lab, my lecturer texted me saying he wanted to hand over something to me. He gave me a notebook, which is written with
and I texted him to express my gratitude of having him who is a very understanding lecturer, a person who has a tender, warm heart. The world would be more beautiful with more people like him.
I caught my breath once I reached his office. It was a relief for knowing I managed to arrive there on time.
Seeing me, he welcomed me happily inside and said "I thought you are not coming". The rain beat like bullet on the roof outside.
"Of course I would come!" I smiled.
"It is okay, dry yourself first, you are drenched!" and he offered me to sit on a chair right in front of him.
I took some time to figure things out, of the reasons why I am here, what makes me to be here. I looked back and have a thought of the timeline of every incidents that occurred in my life. I tried to be selective in choosing what to disclose but everything seems connected and interdependent. I braced myself to be stronger, unlike last night where I shed my tears when I was sleeping, praying or even drinking.
Yes, I did not eat. I did not have appetite to eat and there was no energy left in me to force myself to eat.
I look at him and said "I give up sir" and the next thing came from my mouth naturally, unplanned.
"I give up sir, this assignment takes every ounce of my efforts, strength and time this semester. I could not sleep because I overthink about it.
I am worried too much and I could not stop it. I have panic attack and it affects me a lot.
It affects my routine and I could say whenever something triggers me on that particular assignment, I would cry because I felt like there's nothing that I can do to save me from this issue."
I almost cry but I did not. I gripped my sweater to gather myself and the words, the frustration, depression and deprivation had been bottled up quite for some time, waiting to burst out.
"3.92 last semester does not talk about my intelligence merely. It talks about my sacrifices, my hardships, of how I was at the lowest."
His eyes fixed into mine in disbelief .
Out of nowhere, I recalled yesterday's incident, I threw away my draft on the ground in which I burnt the midnight oil to do it. I knelt down and I burst into tears, just beside my scooter. Thank God there were not many students there.
I was so frustrated.
My heart broke into pieces and I felt tremendously helpless and worthless. I could not describe how disappointed I was to anyone.
He looked me and said "I have no idea this is what you have been through.." he was thinking for a while before continued "I don't share this experience to my other students but I would like to share with you to uplift your spirit and boost your confidence.
I spend the next 20 minutes listening to him, sometimes I nodded. But most of the time it left me in awe of his perseverance and resilience, in combatting those unwanted, negative thoughts with unhelpful environment and his circle of social life.
He then continued, "In everything you do or after giving all your best, leave it to Allah. He is indeed the most Merciful, the most Gracious. If God wills, you will feel calmer, trust me. Remind yourself, over and over, it is not him who decides your future, either you fail or pass ur fyp, but it's Him.
"Leave it to Him, you will feel better"
I spent three hours talking to him that I rushed to lab for my next class. My heart felt lighter, The invisible rock rested on my shoulder before seemed to be disappeared. I sauntered to the class. It has been a long time since I felt this way.
Once I reached lab, my lecturer texted me saying he wanted to hand over something to me. He gave me a notebook, which is written with
and I texted him to express my gratitude of having him who is a very understanding lecturer, a person who has a tender, warm heart. The world would be more beautiful with more people like him.
He's one of a kind and he would be my strongest reason if I ever make a comeback to the university. :)
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