30th March 2021

 Appointment with Dr Rohayah right after wedding on 28th March and Kakak's solemnization on 26th March. Like usual, she started the session with 'how are you', 

'Alhamdulillah, I feel okay, perhaps because Im very busy due to the wedding preparation, I don't spend much time thinking about the conflict with the neighbours. For the first time after years, I can sleep in few seconds once I put my head on the pillow.'

'Wow that was greatt. Alhamdulillah! That is a very good news'

I replied,  'yep! But the nightmares are still there, but having an early sleep is a huge blessing to me already.'

'I see. Okay for today, can we talk about your dreams. I allocate 20 minutes for you to talk about your dream. Is it okay for you? Can we talk about your dream?'

Haih. This is gonna be a long session for me 

And hard. Cause im pretty sure where is this going. This is going to a tearful conversation that I haven't had the courage to talk to anyone yet. This is going to a confession, to things that I have underneath my skin, invisible to anyone else, but im still carrying it with me everywhere i go. This is the unresolved issue, the unfinished business that I have to come clean with the dr for once and for all. 

'Okay, my dreams covers a wide range of areas throughout of my life. It depends on who I spend my time mostly with, and I often dream about trivial and unimportant things that I experience right before I sleep.' I started. But I know this is going to be deep in few seconds! 

The dr nodded and scribbled on a piece of paper. 'Okay, what kind of dreams that you frequently have and who were on it?'

I took my deep breath, 'my mom, my friends.'

'Okay, we'll go through one by one, how about your friends?'

'My high school friends. There is one dream that I remember till this day 

'The dream that I remember the most about friends is, when I was suddenly in this abondoned buildings compound. I walked through the dorm, and hall, at this moment I knew it was my school because I was in boarding school before. And.. This sounds ridiculous and weird dr.. ' I sighed. 

'It is fine, keep going. This is dream, dream can be anything'

'Okay, well..  While i was in the hall, the dark and dusty hall with chairs scattered across the floor, I found my friend sitting on one of those banquets seat. She was my friend from Sester. And the dream got flashes and cuts, and I was suddenly at the school compound again and could feel eyes on me. I turned around, and I saw a long haired wan, with bloody eyes, glaring at me. She was on a tree. The dream is so vivid that i remember her pale skin, her dirty white clothes, her fangs, and long nails......'

'Was your friend from the hall help you?'

'No she didn't, she wasn't there, she wasnt in the scene'

'Didn't you ask for help?'

'I didn't, I was speechless, and I woke up from sleeping, sweating and breathing hard'

'I see, so she was your good friend back at school?'

'She was, she was my best friend'

'Okay, it is terrifying, your dream is terrifying. Do you have targeted characters from school that often occur in your dreams?' 

'A few'

'Okay, we'll go back to that, right now I want to focus on the Mom part first. 

The ambience was so quiet till I could hear the sound of aircond, running and me gasping for air under the mask. 

'I always have these dreams where Mom hated me so much, she was being vocal about that in my dreams, she said it she hates me and favoured other siblings than me. We often had these conflicts, where she would end up, throwing tantrums, being super mad at me.'

'What is the most significant dream that you still remember till this moment?'

'I remember how my mom trying to attack me with a knife, she wanted to kill me. There were series of events that occurred previously in the dream. We had so many disagreement, to the extent of her wanting to kill me.'

'I see. I've talked to your mother once. And I can set an impression on her. But I won't do the interpretation right away cause I might be wrong. The interpretation has to be done with you, and with your dreams, I believe I can connect the dots now.'

She continued, 'your mom has a very strong personality, like I said before, she has her own stance and she tends wanting to make people follow her decision. When you came here with your father, I can see the worries and the anxiety in both of you, but I didn't see it in your mom. I can tell, she is actually, not validating your feelings. She doesn't have the empathy'

Bull's eye. That's the word I'm searching for, 'validate'. At this moment, my eyes sprung to tears but, no, I did not want to cry right now. I REALLY DO NOT WANT TO. 

Dr Rohayah still trying to dig me up, 'do you have any reasons for the dreams to recurring?' 

And I took time to answer her, perhaps she realised about it, she told me about one of her patients, who have the same situation with me. 

The doc told me, 'the patient kept having nightmares on her dad hurting her. But she was very unexpressive and it took some time for me to understand in a bigger picture. You know, dreams come from us. From our minds and thoughts. They are real. They come from our experiences. On a different lens, having nightmares about your parents is justified, it is normal.'

'Really?' I was distracted with the word 'normal.' 

'yes, are you okay with the dreams keep coming to you for the rest of your life?' 

'No. Of course not.'

'Okay, then we have to reduce the frequency, we have to resolve the unfinished business. We won't invite your mom to join in, cause I have talked to her and it won't be much help at this stage. But later on, perhaps we can include her in as we progress. You know,  we do not put blames on anyone. We don't blame your mom, because personality wise, she is like that, and we do not blame you, you can agree and disagree to things. Right now I want to help you, I believe if this conflict is resolved, you can improve your sleeping pattern significantly. For your friends part, we can talk about that later, cause I believe the mom part is much more important. Cause we can't run away from Mom right? But friends come and go.' 

I listened to her attentively and looked back what has happened for these past two years.  

'Do you have ideas or anything that you can think about why you keep dreaming about your mother?'

I surrendered, 'I do, but is it okay if I write to you about this? I think I can be more expressive through writing,' I smiled

'Sure! This is part of the therapy as well. We call it as narrative therapy, either by having conversations or writing. I have one patient that suddenly got paralyzed. He refused to participate in anything and just locked himself in the room for weeks. You know, when you keep so much things inside, the way you cope it can be really different. Sometimes this can lead to blind, paralyzed and etc. And as for my patient, I can't pinpoint his stressor because he is very unexpressive until weeks after, he texted me if it was okay if he wrote to me. And he did. He wrote me in lengthy writing and afterwards, only then I can start working with him to help him. You always can write, bring it to me for the next appointment and we will discuss it together okay?'

I smiled. 

So here's a letter to Dr Rohayah.....