MCO and Me (Part 1)

When the prime minister announced that Malaysia will be having Movement Control Order due to Covid-19 pandemic on 18th March 2020, I was already at TBS, waiting for my bus to Terengganu while watching the news online. The place was not crowded at that time and after 6 hours, I reached home safe and sound early in the morning. That very night, news were reported that people flooded TBS like there's no tomorrow. Foreigners and, students were lining up to buy bus tickets and that caused a rage rising from the netizen as the pandemic can be worse with that masses. I'm grateful, I'm home before the incident. 

The government announced the MCO will be held for two weeks, but then it extends for another two weeks, and another two weeks until now. Since I enjoy being at home with families, the decision does not affect me much. I spend my time cooking, making polymer clay, reading, watching movies, writing my thesis, playing board games with siblings and etc. However, stress and depression start to visit me on the 65th day of MCO. I have conflict with my 13 year old sister, I disagree a lot with my father. Our cat, Jack is missing until now and we all know he is kidnapped by the witch next to our door and the fact that we could not do anything stress me out so much. I yell so much at my sister and there's a situation where I hit the ceiling as I could not contain my anger and frustration. I yell and cry at the same time.

Most of the time, I want to  be alone. I stare on the wall without me realising that time has gone so quickly. I stare at the fan and sometimes I see myself hanging there. I become suicidal. I think that sometimes it is good to be dead rather than being alive but feeling empty. I picture myself slit my wrist and vanish from the world. Being cooped in the house for a long time with negative vibes, makes me restless. The neighbour next door keeps on mocking us whenever she sees us outside, she threatened us and do 1001 evil things just to make us suffer in our own very house. I am sad, I am angry, I am disappointed, frustrated, broken and beaten down. I barely talk to my father. There is rising rage inside me that is waiting to explode, like a grenade. I have so much to say, but it has became the house rule, I can't say what I think to him.

Hence, I cried a lot. I cried a lot in my room when I am alone. I am feeling numb and I do not respond to my friends' text and messages. I have sleep deprivation and sometimes I just wish I can go to somewhere where there's no human to deal with.