Friendship 101

The thing that I fear the most is losing a friend. Perhaps because I don't have many friends, I do cherish each one of them. I remember when I lost a close friend when I was a teen, I could not handle it. I wanted to preserve the long term friendship even it cost me my dignity and ego. I felt so devastating and downright confusing. Hence, I tried to fix things. That's how I always cope with the situation, by showing my efforts no matter how painful I was, I wanted things to be like what it used to be.

Unfortunately, it did not turn out good, my friend did show significant hints by throwing cynical remarks to me that he wanted to call it off. I became depressed and I started locking myself in the room. I would cry to my heart's content and recall what mistakes that I have done that killed our fulfilling long term relationship. 

I couldn't accept that, I couldn't digest that and it is far more heartbroken than breaking up with a significant other, I admit.

As years passed, I experienced the same situation, I did cry at the moment, I flashback what I have said, what I shouldn't say, what I should say instead, to save the friendship. And I was expecting I would feel numb and depressive for weeks. But there's like an inner voice inside of me saying, 'You have done your best to preserve this friendship, you have tried and it is okay it ends this way, let him go.' 

I'm still struggling, struggling to go to the time where I can live my life without depending on him even 1%. I admit I do text him occasionally, he did reply but I could feel something is off. I admit I take time to move on, but my other friends hold me closer to them and often remind me what I've been missing. 

I am missing the people who care for me around me. Those who still are with me when my insecurities strike me so hard that it is not only causes me restless, but I believe people around me too. They keep giving me the bitter truth which I really appreciate,

'It is not your losing, it is his losing to lost a friend like you'

'The world is dying now, choose people who care for you instead of chasing who don't'

'This is the bitter truth, people will stay if they want to without you asking him to'

'I believe you are not as what as he thinks, it is normal to have insecurities and question people about it, because I love you I want you to let him go'

And this one also, 

Jija, just because someone said something to you, don't take it too heart or literally. One person opinion does not represent how we (your friends) think of you.

Remember that. 

If we (your friends) find you annoying, we tell you because we believe honestly is the best policy. And if you are doing wrong, we will advise you because we care. If we don't like you, we wouldn't replying to your text right now. 

Please believe that there are people out there who care for you and love you for who you are! Never doubt yourself'

We lose friends. Perhaps one or two. Perhaps more than that. Sometimes we just stop talking and things start to fall out. No matter how long the friendship is, how you are longing for the friendship to be like what it used to be, you can't control it because it involves decision from the other side.

However, you are allowed to be sad. Take time to be in a good term with the reality of losing a friend. During the grievance period, ask yourself how can you save the friendship? Do you want him back in your life? If you do, be the bigger person, start to reach out and ask for apologize, if things are still not working, at least you know you have done everything in your power to fix the friendship. 

Always remember any relationship including friendship involves two street communication and it is important that efforts come from both sides to resolve the issues. 

If the friendship is genuine, I believe we will come back as friends and this distance is only temporary. But if it is not, it is truly okay, I have to be patient and focus on the development of myself. And you should too! I know I was very naive back then, expecting things to be rainbow and roses only, but as the time goes by, my perspectives towards life is shifting. My thoughts and the way I think matured gradually and this is my personal experiences and I believe some of us used to be or are in the same situation now and it is kinda can be applied to everyone. 

Remember, we always can make new friend or friends and by the time you come across with him again either in social media or in real life, you just realize it has been a long time since you have him in your mind. <3