Addiction

I know some people who are addicted to hurt themselves physically. Blades, iron and knives. My heart goes out to them each time they told me about it. When I was at my lowest, Alhamdulillahh I didn't have any suicidal attempts. But I did have suicidal thoughts. I just remember one time where I wish I could let go of the pedal while riding my bike and there's a huge lorry in front of me. Other than that, I wished I would be dead when I was sleeping and when I woke up the next morning, I cried because I'm still alive. It is tough I know.

Fast forward, I am bettering. I believe I have made a huge improvement and my psychiatrist said the same thing. However, I notice something about me recently. Something that I always do and it becomes an addiction to me.

I like to torture myself mentally. Since 8 years ago, I lost my confidence, I lost my inner strength to an incident that has a huge impact on my life. No matter how much I try to have it back. It seems not to work out. I worked hard to perform well in academic, I always present myself as someone that people can look up onto. My friends, classmates, everyone who used to work with me see me as the person that I wish I can be. People applaud when I finished presenting. Lecturers awarded me with highest marks but there's still a missing piece that make the puzzle incomplete.

Yes, to answer your question. Why I don't have a boyfriend, why I don't have a significant other or anything alike. This is the reason. I don't feel like I deserve any goodness from people. They are better off without me because I come with baggage I am lacking in many ways. I know you would say, 'marriage is something that we complete each other' or 'marriage is not about perfection'. I know that. But this thought, is well - ingrained in me for years. I don't know how to remove it and it is surely cannot be done overnight .

I admit I used to like a person or two. It was more than a like I guess. But everytime I have this feeling, I would remind myself over and over. I don't deserve them. I'm not anybody or anyone. I don't have the confidence. I have nothing to offer. And sadly, I do the same if the person showed interest to get close to me. This is the addiction that I'm talking about. About me feeding my soul with all the painful experiences. About letting myself to walk down the memory lane and it usually ends up with me, sobbing.

If I ever have that kind of feeling towards someone at this moment, that's what I'm doing. Flipping the pages from the last chapter of my life that constantly reminds me, we do not suit each other. I am out of his league. I do not want to hurt him, let alone making him feel guilty or putting him in difficult position. I re read the conversation that hurt me the most, just to remind me again and again about my pain and that I shouldn't burden anyone with it.

I pray 2020 is year where I can be the best version of myself. To be kind towards others, and to be kind towards myself. InshaaAllah.