A Letter To My Younger Self

Dear Jijah,
I am sending you hugs from all over the world for being strong, in fact too strong for these past few years. You are a fighter and also a survivor who is still breathing in the midst of hardships. In a near future, you would find it is very difficult to talk over this incident in details no matter how closed your friends are to you.  Your hands would be shaking when you talk to counselor soon and your tears would be rolling on your cheek if you are forced to revisit the incident vocally.  How they isolate you, make a group of anti - you and yell at you at the public over things you do not do and have the chance to explain and stand for yourself. All the snarky remarks and sarcastic comments now will all well - ingrained in you.

Now you are back from the class and you are hugging your knees and crying to your heart's content because you are so ashamed,  humiliated, devastated and frustrated of how they treat you. You never feel so lonely before but that is the first time you recognised the feelings.

Dear Jijah,

I know you could not get rid of memories in the future, of how your teacher treat you differently from other student because you are no one compared to them.  You go to the teachers' room and say sorry even that is not your mistake of how your name is not mentioned by her to be part of her academic group.  You kneel down beside the table and try to justify yourself with shaky hands and at times you stuttered.

You, who have a heart of gold really enjoy making friends that you treat everyone like how you want to be treated.  But when he is chatting with that teacher and other friends, he invites you to join but the teacher obviously shows you sign not to come. Do you know that it is not your lost but it is their lost, failing to befriend with a hidden gem. And I tell you only the chosen ones could identify your traits. You keep small circle of friends in your life because you want to cherish them like how you want to be cherished .  You seem not to care with the quantity but quality which why I assure you,  you are on the right track.

In the future, you will shut a huge amount of your ex schoolamates out from your life and it is okay.  It is okay to do that and you don't need validation from other people who obviously not in your place. However, they will come in your life again and you try to play it cool by accepting them and stop dwelling on the past. Little do you know, the splinters that are buried underneath are stilll there and the pain as well.  You gonna have hard time to decide what you should do to save yourself before you are gonna diagnosed with persistent depression.  Anxiety disorder and panic disorder follow afterwards.  There are too many things to handle at one time. You are so confused and you have no idea which version of you,  you should live in.  Pretending to accept while you are still hurting and seeking for help. And you chose the latter.

Dear Love,
You will make wise decision. You are on medication, you are seeking help from expert and yes you are on the right track.  Your friends and your teachers from your past do not really know you well, but your current friends appreciate and love you more than you know.  They often nudge you 'Jijah, they are so many people look up to you because you are a brilliant kid in your class'.  And one of them would say'Jijah, you are the strongest person that I have ever known' and the other would saiy 'depression only for brilliant people's haha lol.

Dear Jijah,
You are living your life and in the future, nothing that other people can do to drag you down.  Because you are used to it. There's nothing that can hurt you anymore cause you have been experiencing bitter things thruout your life and that's totally fine.  When you grow up, you will be someone who you wanna be, you will find a lot of people who really want to be your friends and you will succeed in life.  One day, you will walk along the thorny routes with leather boots while looking at the magnificent rainbow above your head.

My love,
You will be rising higher than sun, shining brighter than stars. One fine day, after this long fight, you will find yourself, breathing calmly with hands in the pocket, walking freely with snowflakes lay on your coat and you just know that, every ending has an happy ending, if it is not happy, then it is not the end yet.
Smile.
I will always be with you even if the whole world is against you.

Love,

From Your Old Self.